February 2012
0 posts
Anonymous asked: You are so beautiful, no matter your weight. You have an amazing mind, and a beautiful soul, don't sell yourself short. Head up darling, things will get better.
Anonymous asked: du schaffst das. ich glaub an dich!
Anonymous asked: You are strong and you can make it through this xx much love
xpeopleleave asked: how are you doing girl?
That whole Tumblr-trigger-shit is beginning again
I know Tumblr is not good for me right now but I can’t go off.
Seeing my own pictures on my blog triggered me as hell…I gained weight and right now I can’t believe how I ever felt fat at that weight before. :(
Does the last gif I posted work? It doesn’t move like it should for me…?
380 messages
I love you for all the kindness and honest support that’s in my inbox right now, but I’m afraid I can’t reply to each one of them. I’m sorry!
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dietandcigarettes replied to your post: What hospital are you in?? Hope it’s going really well, sounds like you’re making progress good luck x
yay
I miss you
Anonymous asked: What hospital are you in?? Hope it's going really well, sounds like you're making progress good luck x
I might be back at home in one or two weeks
They said it’s possible :) then I can finally dedicate some more time to you and Tumblr generally, but in a good way I hope.
I want to be healthy.
I'm at home for two hours and what do I do? Right,...
I told my father I’m not in the mood to go home, even if it was only for two hours, and I said I’m in a suicidal mood. And then I’m home nevertheless and I can’t resist the urge to cut. At least in the clinic I don’t have the possibility to cut.
too bad there’s no emergency exit out of my mind
Mein Kopf tut weh
Da sind so viele böse Gedanken
die führen Krieg gegen mich
und das tut weh
weil ich keine Waffen habe
Im Kopf ist es wirr
aber manche Gedanken
manche Gedanken sind hartnäckig
die kämpfen sich durch
und dann tut der Kopf weh
weil, inmitten des Chaos
schreit es, schrillt der Alarm
ICH BIN FETT
DUMM
BLÖD
UNWERT
NICHT GENUG
und irgendwie gibt es keinen Notausgang
reasons why i hate myself:
i’m fat
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Haven't purged for two weeks now
But mentally I’m feeling bad, yesterday I had some kind of a mental breakdown which lasted 2 hours (two hours of crying, screaming and trying to self-harm) and again I almost got fixed (the doctor told me today that they were about to do it).
Oh God in this clinic I have gotten to know about sooo many tranquilizers, because I get so much of them. I get two doses of them each evening to...
Apparently I'm ~unstable~
Last weekend I had spent two days (and one night) at home and when I got back to the clinic I was extremely depressed and I often had episodes where I would scream, cry and self-harm. I basically spent the last week fully on tranquilizers, I can’t remember most of the things and I was all like drunk all the time. Each time I almost got fixed which basically means being fettered on the bed....
Anonymous asked: Did your parents learn about your sister's ED, too?
January 2012
No, I'm not out of treatment
People are asking me because obviously I’m on right now :P
It’s only a weekend at home before I go back to the clinic. It’s because they want to see if I’m making real progress or if the “progress” is only result of the constant supervision at the clinic.
So it’s some kind of a test really :)
people who unfollow while i’m inpatient suck
emaciata asked: Anti-depressants won't work immediately! It can take about 2 weeks! Now talk to me because I'm worried!!!
List of positive things
- as a birthday present I got a video with over 100 people from my age group at school saying happy birthday and such and it’s soo sweet :3
- I purged only five times in 19 days, normally it would have been over 57 times!
- I’m eating normal portions and I haven’t gained anything :) in contrary, my metabolism is suuuper fast
- my relationship to my parents and my friends has...
Impressions from IP
So this is my first full weekend at home, after two and a half weeks inpatient.
Inpatient is hard, soo hard. It’s exhausting and it costs much energy. I’m being supervised all day, here they call it “1:1 supervision”, it means that each time I go to the toilet I need someone to come with me and I’m not allowed to lock the door, also when I have a shower there’s...
brinewench asked: You;ll either see this just before you go home, or when you get out and home properly. Either way, I am so damn proud of you. Serious.
I have so many messages, guys, thank you so much. I never would have thought I mean so much to you.
I love you.
I’m sorry I can’t reply right now, I have to be back at the clinic in one and a half hour.
I'm okay, please stop worrying!
That one tuesday I called emergency and it counted as a suicide attempt although the cuts obviously weren’t deep enough.
Now I’m inpatient and I guess I’m recovering. I’m not allowed to have a phone nor go on the internet, so I haven’t been able to come on Tumblr.
I’m fine! Don’t worry about me, guys!
It’s so sweet of you all and I think about you...
My parents finally know and I’m going to the hospital now.
Idk what will happen :(
But I cut already
Im such a failure
Ok i called the hospotal theyre coming in 4,5 mjnutes
Ok time to decide